In Defense of Christmas

Terri Beth Mitchel’s Christmas Brothers.

So I want to make a confession. I love Christmas! Yes, that is right, I’m Jewish and I love Christmas. No, I am not a messianic Jew or as most people know: a Jew for Jesus. I am your run of the mill, Ukrainian emigre, left-wing non-denominational, viral Zionist Jew. And yet…. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

Why? Well thank you for asking. First reason is obvious, Jesus! Jesus is our most famous Jew and you don’t know Jews if you don’t know how much we love famous Jews. Why they don’t even have to be Jewish on their mother’s side, why they may have had a Jewish nanny, that is enough. Mention a name and you will know if they are Jewish, because a Jew will make sure you know.

So naturally, I love that the world celebrates the birth of our biggest communist, of our original BuJu (Buddhist Jew) our original Kippot wearing Yogi, the man that is responsible for the giant crushes that every Catholic girl has had on me, my man Jeshua of Nazareth, or as you may call him, God.
Now the dude is cool I have to give you that, I can’t say he’s a god. I mean I’ve seen Tony Hawk pull off bigger stunts. And making wine out of water seems silly, your water the vines and up comes the wine. But he was a righteous man, going against all those Rabbis who took money and really going back to the original Judaism, the good parts you know like give to the others, turn the cheek and not keeping secrets. I mean he is the original dude man. He is the young mother-fucking Santa, before grey hair and a few extra pounds. I mean who else would give out free Chalah, Wine and Gifilte Fish back in those days? Why that’s like giving away Playstation 4s for crying out loud!!! If it wasn’t for my man J to the s-u-s, there would be no Jewish Lite, or as you call it, Christianity. Of course if not for Jew-lites there would be no Jew-Core or as my cousins via Ishmael call it Islam. I mean Jews submit to God too but we’re allowed to bullshit with him too here and there. Jewish God is a bit lenient with our argumentative lot. But without my Muslim brothers, my Christian bros would have really sent us back with their love for faith and hate for books.

So really I love Jesus because before him, people were jerks. They still are, but at least now they know it.

The second reason is gifts. Some people call it “commercialism” but I say come on! That’s lame, I mean we all love having money, and if we don’t shop, people don’t work. If you don’t buy the ipod, the engineer can’t go to work to make you one. But that is not the biggest reason, the biggest reason is the reason, people shop to give! The reason everyone runs to the stores is because they were going to go after all because Christmas is a time of selflessness, it is a time of showing how much you care and buying things for people that they are not selfish enough to buy themselves. And companies know this and so they give them sales. How good is that? You have a holiday to buy your friends and family gifts and the stores where your friends and family work actually give you deals instead of charging more when they know you will shop anyway.

I was born in Ukraine and we gave presents on New Year. It was an all inclusive, non-denominational holiday. It was fun but it blew because it didn’t force us to celebrate our differences and it didn’t influence us. Christmas does this. Why I would get no presents at all on Hannukah if not for Christmas. I probably wouldn’t even celebrate Chanukah if not for Christmas. Even my Hindu and Buddhist friends love Christmas, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t get presents either if there was no Christmas.

So see! What’s the deal with Christmas haters, the commercial and noncommercial part?
It’s win win! And that is why I, Sam the Jewish Guy, Love Christmas!

And if it upsets you, that a Jew likes Christmas and so you decide to ban it because someone makes a buck.. then stop spending money on bars and spend a few of those bucks on your loved ones, do like Jesus… otherwise, who’s the Grinch now Mr. Scrooge?

Christmas in Little Italy.

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