I have ADHD. Diagnosed at 33. It answered a lot of things. It answered a lot because a lot of things I assumed were me were actually ADHD programming as it were. Lack of executive functioning, issue with being late, issue with lack of impulse control. All answered with four letters. It was painful and at the same time freeing to know that there was more than “trying harder” to fix it.
So when we saw similar traits in my daughter which were affecting her relationships, we decided to get it tested. Of course hers were a little different. She would fall into catatonic rages, she would be unconsolable and difficult to deal with if there was a change in routine. Rules had to be followed but also difficult to explain. This is why when the testing came back as Autism, it was a shock and explanation at the same time.
As with ADHD, getting a diagnosis also lead to a lot of research. Research that started to uncover similar patterns in me. I remember counting tiles on the way home. I remember focusing on peoples ears and then noses and toes. Noting the differences, cataloguing. It was a mix of hyperfocus. and strange interest. I suddenly start to see the masking, the talking through entire conversations, prepping myself for a talk with someone before it happens, and incidentally it never going the way I predicted.
Suddenly there was realization that I can know myself without actually understanding myself. That suddenly some scientists who observe humans can know more about me, or can explain more about me than I could with 44 years of experience.
It’s an odd thing to have something that is part treatable and part not treatable. All I can do is adjust and build systems to allow myself to survive in the real world. A real world that pretends to care but in reality, the concern of every person is still themselves and what we can deliver for them with the least amount of aggravation.
