Married Homeownership

Buying a Home

My wife needed a new place. We needed our own place. After living as long as we possibly could with my mother in law, we decided to move out and amazingly, the day we move out, after months of looking for a place, we had our offer accepted.

Getting an offer accepted wasn’t easy, we had to drive around town and my wife had an extensive requirement list that really tested the marriage. But in the end, we found what she wanted: first floor, two bathrooms, a patio, safe neighborhood, central.

We got it all and then we had to go through the purchasing part. Which was not easy, because for whatever reason, nothing is easy in our marriage. I think we got testy with eachother a few times because of the crazyness in the buying process. We never knew if it was COVID, realtor, the seller or the lender, but everything seemed to be crashing, until the day when we signed the paper work and were homeless for two hours. All of our things packed in the car and no where to put it.

I tell you, it will test your relationship, so remember to to take it out on each other, and when you do (because you will) realize that there is no reason to yell at this person, your anger belongs somewhere else.

One thing that helped us be on same page is dividing the important things: I dealt with finances, deciding that we would not pay more than a 1/4 income on mortgage and she was looking for homes that fit the bill. We also always had the speaker phone on when talking to lender or realtor, that made it easier. But easier is not easy, the whole deal felt like a full time job.

Having a Home

Having a home is another issue. We got a Condo, which means HOA, which means arguing with them about who is to fix the hose. They take care of the outside. We take care of the inside, but what happens if they don’t take care of the outside and now you have to deal with the problems they cause. Well then you fight with HOA, and sometimes with each other. Again, it’s important to realize who you are angry with.

But it is nice to have a home together, especially one with more than a room where you can actually be apart, because working on you own is a good thing. Unless your spouce doesn’t realize that you’re working, just because you work from home and chooses to interrupt.

You have to find a way to set boundaries, to discuss that home from work is work, even if they work.. It’s really hard to explain this for some reason.

Having a home also means decorating. I personally have no idea why we need a king comforter if a queet fits our king and why we need to spend an extra $500 on a king instead of a queen. But you learn to live with this and do what you gotta do. There are some things that make your spouse happy, and some unhappy and it is a double win if you can make them happy and ensure they are not unhappy. It’s all also in a way a plus for later when you need someting. To let the person have their way now, means they will respect you when something is important to you.

I have found that it helps to blow up sometimes. The other person doesn’t know just how important something is until you blow up.

I earn less than my wife right now. She comented many times on this with others, I had to blow up to explain that this was demeaning. The previous times when I didn’t blow up, it didn’t sink in. Same with her, until she gets angry, it is hard to know if it is truly important. So when the other person yells or gets angry, don’t tell them “don’t yell!” it’s actually a sign that this is super important to them.

There’s a lot more I can say, about cleaning, and fixing things up, but that’s how it works without homeownership, just life together. So I’ll stop here, for now.

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